Piss off a redhead and you get a fist in your face.
I punched a man on Saturday night. It’s something I have always threatened to do, but this time I actually did it. And with good reason...
Somewhere in my summer fun, I got involved with a crazy Italian, this was someone who was my friend but during drunken debauchery things would go much further. After about the third time fun turned to kissing, I was like what the fuck? I should have known how things would turn out once I pursued this line of thought, as I have been at this crossroads once before with a former friend. And the backlash from that was enough to make me swear off men for a year.
So after the third time of things going to far, I like any girl, was like oh maybe there's something more here. And I was slightly somewhat uncomfortable because it’s been a really long time since I have liked anyone. After a year and a half of mental abuse from theEx, I had come to the conclusion that I am better off single. I am a somewhat fickle person, more so since I have moved to New York. Every person I meet is viewed as a "good time" until I get to know them better (this usually takes 3 months), then they are mine and we are friends forever. Unfortunately this also happens when I date someone; it takes me a really long time to get into them, because at first I am really uncomfortable with the invasion of my personal space. After said time, I embrace it.
I don't do the whole "unrequited love" thing.
It annoys me when people whine about people they can't get, my theory is you get one chance to jump off the cliff, after that it’s a moot point and move on. Would I, were I still in love with theEx, want to get back with him? Hell, yes, I think I would even do it now after all the other men I have encountered. But my point is that time is passed and gone, move on. The only thing I will be lucky to get from him is friendship and an occasional fuck buddy. But our incompatibility has been predetermined from this point on.
But I digress. Confrontation came on Saturday night after a water fight, groping, and making out. By the end of Friday I had convinced myself that maybe there was something more there and it was worth looking into. So after I was pulled into the bathroom for the second time, I was like what the fuck? What's going on? I am confused. There were plenty of good-looking guys and I didn't want to get cockblocked if I wasn't with him. Nor did I want my friends thinking we were together because I can't handle anymore of their ridicule about my bad choices in men.
In the bathroom, he tells me he was never interested in me, he doesn't know me; he’s looking to fuck around and get with as many girls as possible. Now I am not sure what overcame me at this point, suffice to say I was angry. It was like he turned into theEx; a collage of conversations from the past, and the punch theEx had once deflected.
But without thinking my fist went to his face, more than once I am told. You should NEVER piss off a redhead, least of all me, I am very temperamental. And I get hurt very easily despite my tough exterior. I am just a girl after all, despite the fact that I act like a man.
So I spend the rest of the weekend feeling like I have done something horribly wrong and wanting to take it all back. I actually talked about the whole thing on Sunday to my friend and he said I was justified and that I could do better. Since I had at one time liked this person, I took this as a compliment.
Monday night after about 7 shots of tequila, crazy Italian once again makes an appearance and another heated confrontation ensues. This one blew my mind away. It was essentially the most fucked up story I had ever heard. Worse than theEx, it was also at this point that I realized that theEx wasn't so bad and maybe a friendship was possible.
I mean I wish that I could say I was upset, but I spent 2 hours on Tuesday morning from 2am to 4am in complete shock and laughing. My boy Ali and I were like fuck. Still even now, fuck. After said conversation, he asked me if I wanted to date him and I was like hell no. I would rather have the pleasure of his company without the drama.
As I said before and I will say it again, men will treat you like gold only if you are not fucking them. Which is why I have a lot of men that I am not fucking in my life.
The best part was that he thought I was an absolute psycho after I punched him, this one made me laugh. I wish I were a psycho so I would have an excuse for my craziness at times. Nope, not a psycho, just a little naïve at times.
By Tuesday, I was back to my old debauchery, with no impending thoughts that this person and I belonged together. I emailed theEx and told him that I thought it was a sign that I needed to move away from the city when fucked up shit no longer fucks me up. I have become so blasé about anything, I kind of feel like I dodged a bullet on this one. Had I gotten intimately involved, I would have inevitably gotten hurt. I am somewhat proud of myself for punching someone in the face. And I got to keep a friend in the process, at least I think.
The bounce back time on this mistake was two hours, it’s like a record. By Tuesday afternoon, my head was already filled with thoughts of other boys and the incident forgotten. But after I told so many people about this story they said I needed to post it on my blog. Unfortunately I had to spare some of the details, so as not to offend the other party.
Why is it that other people’s fucked up experiences are fucking me up? Shouldn’t we be fucked up by our own experiences instead of someone else’s?
Things that have been said to me that have fucked me up:
1. I have ADD and broke up repeatedly with my ex girlfriend, because she could only hold my attention for three months at a time.
2. I was married for 7 years and got a divorce 4 years ago. My ex wife is on her way over now you have to leave.
3. I am married.
4. Come and sleep over and let me worry about my girlfriend.
5. I have a condom allergy. Besides its just sex it doesn’t mean anything.
6. My dream is to be a human rights worker and save children. Can I come home with you?
7. Please hook up with me, I never get ass, all I ever get are fat girls interested.
8. I makeout with all my female friends, you’re not really my friend till we makeout.
9. Your young, I just got out of a 6 year relationship and not looking to settle down. Let’s have fun together.
10. There’s something about you that makes me forget my ex.
11. I should let you know I am in an LTR but I figured we could have fun together.
12. Baby I am fucked up and I gotta be doing over things right now and you’re just not that thing.
13. Sweetie, you have too much drama and I have the feds after me and a court case to worry about.
14. I know I said I wanted a girlfriend, but um, I have a lot to do at work right now…(2 months later)…you never call me anymore.
I only dated two of these comments, the rest were attempts of seduction that failed. Can anyone see why?
It’s funny that my own experiences with guys haven’t fucked me up, so much as their experiences with their exes. I want to fuck up a guy and render him useless to all other females. Maybe they sense my potential to fuck them up and that’s why they stay away.
On a better note, I have been fucking insanely happy because my boy Larry is moving back into my closet for the next month. At least until we kick my roommate out, of which he is not going to be too happy about.
This has also made me rethink jello wrestling, maybe Feisty Kitten will come out of retirement for one last fight.
My breasts are mine. No, you can not look at them.
I had a horrible awful night last night! It started out well enough with laundry and a nice walk in the slope. I stopped in at the local bar and ate some dinner then went to barnes and nobles for some reading. At 9pm I get a phone call to meet "Joshua" (why the fuck can't this asshole shorten his name?) at Loki, a popular bar in the Slope.
It should be said I am on overdrive, I have been working for 11 days straight, most of those have been sober and there has been little sleep.
I am not a happy Girl Scout right now. As I was enjoying my lovely night in the Slope, I decided to go meet Joshua for a drink. Who was this man who was so entranced by me he didn't call for 6 to 8 months? Was he cute? Was he intelligent? All I knew about him was I didn't remember meeting him at all and he was very awkward over the phone. When someone tells you they are a musician and they can't tell you anymore information than that, there's a serious communication problem.
I walk my walk, out of smokes and resolved to quit, and see quite possibly the most unattractive guy I have seen in my life. I don't know why, but I was immediately repulsed, the guy looked like a douche. I must HAVE BEEN REALLY DRUNK THAT NIGHT to talk to this douche bag. I am sure some girls find Joshua to be a catch, but anyone who knows me knows I am not some girl. I was like fuck how am I going to get out of this.
Lets go thru a minute by minute breakdown, my eyes never left the clock folks:
10:02: We meet for a drink.
10:05: I go to the bathroom to call friends to see if I can get anyone to call me in 20 mins.
10:10: dead silence, I glance at the tv to fill the void of his lack of conversation. You know me, I always have something to say, but I can't talk to myself.
10:11: I catch him staring at my breasts and looking me up and down.
10:12: He tells me I am just as hot as he remembers. "You are a sexier version of Kathy Griffin." What the fuck!?!?! How could he compare me to the hack of an actress/comedy, she is so obnoxious and disgusting!!! I am visibly upset and he's like that's a compliment.
10:18: I stop staring at the tv. He is once again staring at my breasts. Alice, be quiet, be nice.....don't say it. "This isn't working for me I am going to leave". Chug my beer and walk out. Ah, imagination is so much better than the reality and the road I took instead of this idea. Watch tv, as he asks me stupid annoying questions and I snap at him for the next 20 mins.
10:37: Visibly pissed, as I am turned away from him, he starts massaging my neck. What the fuck? How could this douche possibly touch me, kidney punch, kidney punch. Must hold in anger, be charming.
10:38: "You are really tense" as he continues to massage my left shoulder for the next five minutes. This is the shoulder facing him. Then he goes to the right, the one away from him, "this one's not tense". Hmmm, 2 +2=4. Stop fucking touching me.
10:39: "I hate massages, stop touching me" "Are you crazy massages are great? I can give you a full massage. I would love to passionately kiss you." Who the fuck says this, fist needs to go in his face, fist needs to go in his face.
10:42: He's still fucking touching me and staring at my breasts. Bartender to lovely redhead, "Miss, you want another drink." Hell no, check please! "Oh I am so tired, I am going to fall asleep at the bar, I should go".
10:43: Finish the goddamn drink already, I drank mine 20 mins ago. Taking sips to buy time with me isn't going to work asshole.
10:44: 'nother sip, oh the Yankees are playing. Finally, something interesting to look at and think about.
10:47: Fuck this fucker, I am hopping off the barstool and walking out the door. Ugh, we have to walk two avenues together! More uncomfortable silence, I am ready to kill him at this point. Ooh, he makes me hug him and I cringe when I smell his man odor. Bile rising in throat.
10:55: Home free and headed to Bar4 to be with the friends where I can rehash this catastrophe.
Bar4 was fucking packed last night, it was ridiculous. But I was oh so happy to see all my favorite friends. And I had fun rehashing to ST and SB who always find my stories oh so hilarious.
On a better note, I talked to my good friend DT at 8pm. She was in the delivery room, having contractions and I heard it all. The miracle of birth can cheer anyone up. I was excited to get a phone call at 12 to let me know I am an aunt to one Morgan Elizabeth, 6lbs 3oz.
SB is really excited about our new electric boyfriends, we are going shopping when she gets her first paycheck. The great thing for women is that when you have all your STD testing and everything is normal, this sets you back to zero. All lovers get wiped out and you start over. I came out of the doctor's office on Monday proud and back to zero and with the intention of staying there. Who needs all that sex drama? Or anymore buyers remorse?
Buyers Remorse Part 2 and I am buying a new Boyfriend.
Anyone who knows me knows that I go through certain cycles in my life. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Its a throw back to my depression days, see
http://www.schmim.com/lifestories/Betty/. This is a blog I kept during the big fall out when I quit school, moved back home and went to therapy for 1 year. Its very girlish and ranty. I am less dramatic these days as I am 25 now and more capable of dealing with my emotions. But inevitably the uncertainty and uncomfortability with myself can creep up from time to time. I am just better at recognizing the symptoms.
1. Tendency to act out in inappropriate behavior. I like to challenge myself and what others know of me. And frankly this is spurred on by anger or some injustice I feel.
2. Avoidance. I will avoid everything: eye contact, physical contact, sobriety, friends.
3. Low self esteem. Its hard to believe but sometimes it attacks me out of nowhere and its crippling because I feel it so rarely.
4. Self-loathing. I hate myself and everything about myself and thus I act out.
5. Two years. Every two years, I compulsively change my life because I wind up hating the one I have made.
I don't know how I got to this point, but its creeped up gradually and the Hamptons might have spurred it into action. With the year anniversary of last August's incident coming up, something I have not really been able to talk about let alone write about it. I am kind of dealing with the wrap up. And have a list of excellent counselors to talk about any lingering feelings. Thanks to all the nice Psychiatrist and Psychologists I know that allowed me to share my feelings with them this past year.
Its once again that time for testing, this time I don't really have buyers remorse because I spent the year with little physical contact from anyone, save theEx and MrClean. So my trip to the counselor involved me asking her to just stick the needle in my arm and be done with it, no spiel this time. The counselor's job is to make you feel better about getting tested but instead all they do is try to justify why you are high risk. Its ridiculous and they wander why people balk at being tested.
I had a lovely trip to the doctor, she checked me out and gave me a clean bill of health as well as a box of condoms. Black Tuxedo, why are these things black, does a white man get off on having a black cock, does a black balk at having a white cock? Is she trying to tell me I should sleep with a black man? Silly doctor, I won't be needing those.
I am buying a new boyfriend. This will be my third, as the other two have failed at their intention and inevitably we broke up. Choosing a vibrator is harder than one would think. I am a small girl, and most of them are too big and intense for me. Daho and I will be taking a trip to Toys in Babeland this weekend or next to look for the perfect one if anyone wants to join us. I really want to get the rabbit, but fear its girth will be too much for me. I owned the neck massager in college and returned after a couple of uses, it was a little too intense. I was dating T at the time and he was amused that I was returning something that I had actually used for something other than my neck. I hope no one bought it, oops.
$60 for a vibrator might have saved me the $3000 I spent at the doctor since I have lost my virginity. $1500 of that is for the ER bill when I lost the god damned thing.
2 years and a non virgin and here's what I have learned:
1. You don't have to sleep with guys to get them to like you, they will actually like you more if you don't.
2. Guy friends are better than boyfriends, they love you unconditionally because they aren't fucking you.
3. I am very uncomfortable with men viewing me as sex objects, its an insecurity I have and its responsible for my current state of depression.
4. I hate random hookups, I don't like anyone invading my body before getting to know my mind.
5. I never liked any of the guys I dated, my foolish youth spurred me into relationships with them and the threat of something exciting.
6. STDs are scary and every time you have random sex you come closer to getting one. I have thus been fortunate.
7. I would never have sex again, if it meant that I never had to get another HIV test.
8. Sex complicates your life. Who knew something so enjoyably could cause so many problems with a woman's body. Men don't have these problems.
9. Men will do anything, including bad behavior, to sleep with you. And the men of New York are the worst kind.
Sorry for the darkness of the post but I am feeling dark and somewhat uncomfortable with myself today. Could be that I have worked for 10 days straight, but hey I can't be super confident all the time. Even I have my moments where I become extremely uncertain of myself and my life. I just hate the part where I get very uncomfortable with who I am, that's the worst. Because then I want nothing to do with myself or anyone else. I want to go hide until I am back to normal, meaning I am charming, over confident, and full of good humor.
And not in the back of a cab at 12am puking because I drank and smoked too much. True rockstar moment.
No HOing at the Girl Scouts Latina Conference.
Last week I had the absolute pleasure to be on the staff in charge of running the 5th National Girl Scouts Latina Conference. It was absolutely wonderful to be around 500 little Latina Girls, so much that I cried during the closing speech Sunday morning when the little girls told their stories. (I know, I can't believe it either, we all know I don't fall for that sentimental bullshit).
While I was five days sober, everyone knows there is a certain amount of redheaded mischievousness that accompanies me wherever I go. Incidentally, boys, I think you are right, I need to go to finishing school. Within 4 hours of my tenure there, I had already been dubbed the "crazy" coworker. I don't know how this happened, maybe it was my comments revolving around the tequila shots we would need after each stressful day or my notice of the cute lacrosse boys who also had their conference in the same hotel. But by the end of the first day, my fate was sealed. From that point on, I was given the company of a 19 year old college student and instructed to neither a. talk about boys or b. "ho"ing.
When Analucia showed up and I first met her, I knew we were in trouble. Ana has a mouth on her worse than me and will try to pick a fight with anyone. She also has the best eye on her than anyone I have ever seen, I couldn't walk 5 feet without having all the hot guys pointed out to me. Ana is a girl scout through and through, I am not sure what I expected, a virginal cookie toting, sash wearing sweetheart? Instead I got a locker room talking tough girl. She was our woman of distinction the year before, yet the instigator of all things bad at the Latina conference and you boys thought I was bad.
It started out innocently enough, Ana and I were give the girls lounge to run. We were to have girl talks with the girls and generally just chaperone. We went to the Walmart to get our girl supplies, this is where the trouble started. Ana, in front of my boss, tells me that there is a lacrosse conference in the hotel. I am like damn, lets go cruising, ha ha. And Ana is like hell yeah, we'll go to Champions, the hotel bar and meet boys. My boss yells at us, "Alice, If I catch you hoing you are in so much trouble, you girls had better not go hoing". We giggle like school girls.
Fast forward to the lounge time, Ana and I are bored! During dinner I had found out that the cute lifeguard was my committee member's son, so I tell Ana about him, just thinking we are going to laugh and whatever. But the room we are in overlooks the pool, so "Sal" has no idea that we can see him. The room fills up with lots of teen girlscouts and they get excited about our plan to write Sal notes and see if he wants to join our group of girls. These girls were terrible, all week anytime we saw boys, they would line up and watch them like it was a meatpacking plant. Imagine you are a man with 7 other men playing a game of soccer at Chelsea Piers and you happen to look up and 500 girls are all crowded around watching you. I had no clue what men were back in my day and these girls are viscously forward.
So we write our sweetie Sal a note.
"Hello Lifeguard,
You are the most scrumptious lifeguard we have ever seen. Two Latina conference workers, 25 and 19 respectively, would like to know if you would like to join us after your shift in the Studio 2B Lounge."
Now our two informants, both girl scouts, tell us that Sal is shocked, apparently this 21 year old has never been called scrumptious. And I have never called a guy scrumptious without at least 5 beers in me. Though theEx used to refer to me as his "yummy friend", this is really my only experience with this.
We send Sal two more notes:
Mine:
"Hello scrumptious Lifeguard,
Here's some snacks for you and we hope you can join us after your shift. From your two favorite Latina conference girls. Ps. Watch out for those girl scouts, your mom told me they have a crush on you".
Ana's:
Roses are Red,
Violet's are Blue
Jean Claude VAN DAMN---
but you are scrumptious too.
Sal liked hers better than mine, what can I say, I don't go for 21 year olds.
We then decide to draw him pictures while we wait for his response. We both drew childish pictures of us at the pool and beach. I have to say, for about 2 hours I was a 16 year old girl again, clueless as to the complications of sex and love. And the entire room of girls was enthralled, we were chittering like idiots about this cute lifeguard. I almost had to kill Ana b/c she kept making sexual innuendos. We had already riled them up enough, lets not go overboard. So we had broken OF's two rules, while she was innocently sleeping her bed. There was giggling and it was awesome.
But as soon as we got on our 16 year old rush, we were kicked in the gut by Sal's response:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I like lemon lime,
but to date you would be a crime,
from your lifeguard,
ps. my girlfriend would kill me too."
We were crushed, the whole room became deflated. We felt it was unjust, we didn't want to date Sal just have some fun, while we were holed up in a hotel room with girl scouts and no alcohol.
So as we are sitting there bemoaning are wayward crush, I, in typical Alice fashion, get a random phone call from a random stranger I apparently met 4 months ago. Now come on boys, 4 months? I was somewhat confused, and the boy was somewhat pissed that I didn't remember him. After all, he had been on tour with his band for 4 months and anticipated the day he would come back to brooklyn and call me for that date he apparently promised me and I had totally forgot him.
I ask him where we had met, he says Royale on 5th avenue. I haven't been to Royale since easily January, as I spend most of my time in Manhattan. He claims we met several times after that, which frankly doesn't make sense, b/c I was dating someone in that time frame he claims we met. I was pretty smitten with MrClean (did I ever explain why I call him that, b/c he was a neat freak, in a ridiculous way and he turned me down for sex once b/c he had to clean) and in no mood to meet other guys.
As if I hadn't learned my lesson with "Boyer", I am curious as to why I gave this guy my number and what made him call me after 4 months of getting it. I know I am cute, but 4 months and other countries, is he lonely? Frankly I remember vaguely talking to him at Royale, but not the date or the conversation. I just remember the last time I was there, I talked to a guy at the bar, this could have been anyone. Normally I would have thought this was a failed attempt at a booty call, but he called at a decent hour and he wanted to go out. He was genuinely upset that I didn't remember him. Apparently our conversation was so profound, maybe he thought we were soul mates.
I will probably meet him for drinks this week b/c my curiosity always kills the cat.
My phone call from him definitely put with in the rockstar hall of fame with the girls, they were so excited that a boy was calling me.
Incidentally that wasn't the only phone call I got that night. I about died when I saw theEx's number flash on my phone. My immediate thought was what does he want, he never calls, etc. Apparently he lost his phone and the guy who found it called me to return it. Phew, no need for that drama.
On a brighter note, my soul was cleansed. During our Saturday day New York City tour, Ana and I had the pleasure to sit in Washington Square park and watch a Dutch Pennsylvania Amish sermon. I sat hypnotized as the man told anyone who would listen that we were indeed going to hell unless we repented that minute. My first concern was that they would touch me with their goodness, but alas this fear was in vain. I am quite certain whatever goodness they put on me has been washed clean with a three day drinking binge and 2 packs of cigarettes.
So five days and five hundred little girl scouts later, I am a new woman, full of positivity and energy over my experiences. And a little hoing to go with it.
Things I learned:
1. You are never to old to be a Girl Scout, you are one for life.
2. The girls look up to me b/c they want to be me. And I am a positive role model, because I have a good head on my shoulders. This seems crazy to me but was said by my bosses when asked why am I in charge of all the girl activities.
3. No HOing at the Latina Conference.
4. Room Service delivers beer, thank god!
5. Sal has a girlfriend and no talent for poetry.
6. Analucia is somewhat insane.
7. I am crazy and need finishing school.
8. I really need to learn spanish, because a lot of shit was said this weekend that I can't comprehend and my idled brain is still trying to process it.
9. I really should set a statue of limitations for guys I give my number to. I always say "two weeks and you are lucky I still remember your name".
10. I need a break from hoing and talking about boys.
Two hipsters and a redhead
Saturday night was a classic representation of the situations I get myself into. The nice girl gets me in, but the Asshole always gets me out, thank god for consistency.
I finally met up with "Boyer", would be random kisser from Dark Room and let me tell you folks there's a reason I jumped off that stool when he tried to kiss me. Oh, yes a big reason. Let me introduce you folks to Boyer, a 33 year old unemployed artist who lives on his friends couch. In typical hipster fashion, he was wearing disgusting vintage clothing (come on folks, I worked for Ralph Lauren Vintage, I can recognize the best) and had a slightly (in the fact that I am understated) mullet. Oh, did I forget to mention the yellow teeth. Needless to say, having only dating tough pretty boys, I was appalled. But the night gets better.
As all men that meet me and think they have a chance, Boyer did not put on the breaks when it came to his clumsy artful seduction of me. With phrases like "I could talk to you all night", "you are the sexiest thing I have seen" and "I just want to be alone with you", I was a goner for sure. Why do guys bother with these lines, incidentally this would also be the same lines that Hampton boy said to me also.
Back to the tale, after trying to avoid Boyer all night, he finally corners me outside the apartment. As he is leaning in to kiss me, I instinctively back my head away from him in abject disgust and feel the bile start to rise in my throat. At this point in my leaning away, I reach behind me and push the apartment door open and run in. Boyer mistakes this for a virginal blushing and embarrassment of sorts, which further interests him and pushes the instinct for the chase.
That and I spent the whole night, trying to get nasty "I will hook up with anything" Dusty to go after him. Since she always seems to chase men that I like.
There were many escapes to take place this night, me going to smoke while he is in the bathroom, me leaving the party to run off to Rafifi, this would be the successful venture. 48 hours and 4 voice messages later, I have learned the art of leaving a man wanting more.
In the meantime, I am getting numerous phone calls and text messages from my girl at Bar4 begging me to home. I am like good god no, its too close to home, this man has nowhere to live and he wants to come home with me. In the end, he was forced to go back to his friends couch and I began another hipster odyssey, a long engagement that began when I met Vadim and made out with him in November.
Vadim is your typical hot hipster, very cute, very pretentious in his substance. As I am high fiving myself at Rafifi for losing the hipster doofus none as Boyer, I run into Vadim. Vadim is not a tale most of my friends know about, it happened one thursday night in november, but started long before that on a Saturday night as I was impressing people with my Vintage knowledge. Like every hipster, Vadim is the more trendy and well dressed vintage boy. Not sure of the nationality as I have never been able to remember any of our many conversations over the course of the past year, he is very goodlooking.
We met on a drunken Saturday in September outside Rafifi when my friend was having a party. Had a brief conversation which I don't remember, met again at Rafifi a month later on a Thursday night where he once again approached me and told me tales of the ex girlfriend he was pining for. Somehow I ended up in his posh midtown apartment making out with him, but nothing else as I wasn't even really interested in that.
As I left his apartment on a Friday morning, he said something to me that left an impression that he was kind of a tool, so I never thought of him again. But unfortunately for me, we have had countless encounters in which he has had to remind me who he was. Once again, outside Rafifi, he saw me going home with my friend (who has a hot girlfriend and a very comfy couch for drunk passing out), which he asked me about on Saturday. That was 8 months ago, I am surprised he remembered.
There was a time in between that I don't remember, but most recently, Memorial Day at Lit. I was talking to the most gorgeous guy who went to get me a drink and who shows up to take his place, but Vadim. Of course I immediately tried to get rid of him, he was ruining my game with this beautiful man who looked like an Abercrombie model. So this was the latest blowoff in the Vadim, incredible forgettable man saga, so unimportant in the Alice Chronicles of Life, after 6 meetings I still had to ask his name on Saturday.
It was really kind of funny, because without realizing it, I grabbed a seat at the bar next to him and once again he continued our ongoing conversation. I don't remember much of the conversation once again, but I do remember the background details at least. I must say my initial opinion of him was somewhat off, he has more asshole qualities than douche bag qualities.
We got onto the conversation of sex, as inevitably men will always bring it up. He asked me if I wanted to sleep with him, I said no, which started a philosophical debate about monogamy and random hookups. I don't understand what the appeal of hooking up with men randomly is. If you are drunk you don't enjoy it and I find no thrill in the randomness of it.
I have never said the words "I will see you around" and wholeheartedly known them to be true. I am sure this is not the end of the Vadim chronicles as we hang out at the same bars on the same nights. It will be interesting to see if we talk again, as I am pretty sure my bag of feminist books somewhat scared him.
Things I have learned from this night of hipsters:
1. Go with my first instinct, if I didn't want to kiss the guy at the bar, then I probably should have known there was a reason.
2. Men are assholes and I am positively done. All they want to do is sleep with you and what is the point of that. Give me theEx anyday, at least I get to keep a toothbrush over there and reminisce about the days when I was once in love with him and wanted no one else.
3. Douche bag singer M, you had better be glad I didn't make it to Bar4 on Saturday night, I would have cocked you in the mouth and it wouldn't have been pleasant. No one messes with one of my girls.
4. Welcome to my 3 month hiatus of dating, I am so done.
5. Why the fuck is Dusty such a skank and how come that cute boy ever chose her over me last summer?
6. Avoid all boys with strange haircuts and weird names like Boyer and Vadim.
7. The more you treat men like shit the more they come back for more, which is good, Sweet Indiana girl really wasn't working out for me.
8. I may need therapy.
9. Amanda can fucking fight, I would have loved to see her punch Dusty in the face.
10. Pretentiousness is bad, in future avoid people who say words like "screenplay", "NY Times Review", and "L.A.".
11. Thank god for good old fashioned male friends that I don't give enough credit to for being cool.
12. Growing list of words that turn boys off: smoking, party girl, feminism, straight guy friends, cat, jello wrestling, and porn.
13. Vadim's attractiveness went up when he started being an asshole, thereby confirming that I really like assholes.
Abject Misery and It looks like I have a chance...
So the really funny thing is that mostly random strangers read my blog as opposed to friends. I wish this were more anonymous like the last two so I could really say what I want to say.
I sprained my foot and it hurts like a bitch. I sit contemplating the bane of my existence and wondering how I could have fucked up all my summer goals in 3 short months because I can't really walk and am completely miserable being bedridden. For someone who is so used to running from herself all the time, a fucked up foot kind of slows me down, leaving me more time to be especially hard on myself. By the end of this week I may need therapy or at least some new life goals. Larry, please come back to Park Slope and live in my closet. Because since you've been gone I have been the saddest girl in the world and all I have as a companion is an overzealous cat who tries to hump me.
I was on a dating hiatus for three months, I have been turning down every guy that asks me out, because I wasn't ready and I needed a break. About three or four weeks ago, I decided this was stupid because I am the only person I know who goes on hiatuses. But its just that being with someone drains my soul and takes a lot out of me, as I am a super independent girl. So I have been going on a couple of dates here and there when I am somewhat interested.
A funny thing happened on the way to open mic last night. I drug myself miserably to the corner bar and to get food last night, only to run in to Bill the musician, not to be mistaken with Bill theEx. Bill the musician is a very happy go lucky guy in his 40s who I had the pleasure to hear his fine music.
Bill thinks and stated last night that "I am a great girl and why don't I have a boyfriend". Laughter ensues. Then he said something interesting, He said "no really why don't you go for S, I see you two talking all the time and he seems really into you". I am like this is news to me, as I have had an insanely inappropriate crush on him for some months. I mean really come on, its so obvious, the two of us have our own world whenever we are together. Who else always laughs at my stupid jokes?
So after Bill finds out about my crush, he has decided to try and play matchmaker. This should be interesting, but hey if it doesn't work out, I will still have a really great friend that I will have to avoid for awhile. Usually I can be a fucking alpha male, except for when it comes to something I really want.
An interesting thing happened to me two weeks ago, it was a drunken night out with the boys where I was accosting all the boys in the bar to see if they had boyfriend potential. And damnit, the only one who did lived in Maine, story of my life.
I was flat out wasted, it was rare form as I was extremely dehydrated and sitting at the Dark Room bar sipping water when this guy starts talking to me. Now I absolutely don't remember the conversation.
My version goes as such, I was sitting there talking to my friends and all of a sudden this guy leans over out of nowhere and kisses me. At which point I leapt off the stool and backed up. Then he took my phone and put his number in it.
The real story, I was chatting to him for five minutes, turned my back, and then when I turned back to talk to him again, he promptly kissed. Upon which I then jumped off the stool and he said take my number and call me, and I put his number in my phone.
Either way, it was a chance opportunity for me to call him and make fun of him, as I don't recollect the night. Imagine my surprise when he calls me back, he apparently remembers everything but the kiss. And has no sense of humor, he was clearly offended when I told him I backed out of the kiss. Why would I kiss a random stranger in the state that I was in. I am a very safe girl when it comes to these logistics. And Ali is an excellent cockblock.
So long story short, I am going to dinner with this writer/photographer and not very excited about it. Talking to him on the phone was very "unexciting", why is every man in this city so typical? I am a writer, a lawyer, a finance guy, a doctor, an IT guy.....blah blah blah. The real question is have you ever read a book, are you adventurous, spontaneous, opinionated....And the like. Nothing impresses me anymore, as every guy talks about the same thing, sometimes its like having the same conversation over and over again. Talking about our crazy party lives does not make for a good relationship, it means we are alcoholics. Why can't I meet a man that is interested in volunteering or working for some cause instead of boring me with the inane details of their lives? Maybe its just that I don't like pretentiousness, I like cool people who are understated about their "overachieverness".
Maybe I am just really not into all this, but just extremely bored with life in general so I need a diversion.
Philanthropy is what I do best.
Philanthropy is my life. From my rocky childhood with a single parent and sometimes unemployed parent, I learned so much about the world and the importance of having a sense of self and self worth in the world.
From the time I was younger and so forth I have always tried to help people and to help them see other people. We are all the same, trying to figure out our shit one day at a time. And after 2 years of therapy from the time I was 19 to 21, I really truly have the ability to see myself in relation to others. Every phone conversation with my mother involves "so Alice, which poor soul have you decided to try and fix this week". And I am like damnit mom you are right. How else did I have a friend living in my closet for 5 months, after living with me, he now is a more positive person and has a very cute 19 year old girlfriend. Not too mention, he fucking has goals and more than I do, damnit what did I miss? Because I am once again at that point, where I need to do something truly magnificent with my life. I am on the edge of change once again.
Working for the Girl Scouts is truly amazing, it's great to come home from work at the end of the day and be like wow, my job changes the life of girls everyday. Fundraising is so key to the sustenance of nonprofits and with my outgoing personality something I am very good at. Finding a connection with people is so easy, the key is to listen to what they are saying but also listening to what they are not saying. I don't have a degree in nonprofit management and psychology for nothing. With the current state of the economy and the Senate Finance Committee, the upper classes are no longer going to be responsible for the sustenance of Nonprofits, we are going to start looking to the middle classes to do our funding. The thousand points of lights is on its way out the door. In girl scouting this is even more important, and what I want to do my graduate degree in, urban affairs. It would be great to learn more about economic and social policy with respect to urban planning.
So imagine my joy, when I discovered the opportunity to be involved with a bachelorette auction where the proceeds will go to YAI/National Institute for People with Disabilities and The LizzieChandler Memorial Fund. They want me to be the captain of coordination for the bachelors and bachelorettes and to do some actual fundraising. This is a great hands on opportunity for me to put my education to use and do some more hands on fundraising. It could keep me busy for the summer, along with Big Brothers/Big Sisters YPC committee. Volunteering is a soul cleanser, last summer I gave a couple of hours a week making coffee at a bookstore where all the proceeds went to housing for HIV patients. It was exhilarating to do something for free after a night of heavy drinking and the proceeds went to a good cause.
This auction is going to be especially interesting as I am expected to come up with a date package. I have no idea how to do this. I like my restaurants in the city, but does it have to be fancy? Do I have to sell myself, how do I do this?
Alice, 25, Irish descent, Big Ten graduate, overachiever, feisty redhead, and socialite. In her spare times Alice runs several social clubs that allow new yorkers to connect with other new yorkers. She loves to volunteer in her spare time and currently preparing to apply for grad school. A fan of dive bars, she inhabits the East Village on Friday and Saturday nights with her millions of friends. She has a social function for every night of the week and likes long walks on the beach (doesn't everyone supposedly?). A consummate reader, she is especially into social commentary and dreams of someday writing a book of her humorous, self-deprecating look on living life in the big city. She has an apartment in New York that hasn't seen a man in over a year and half and a feisty cat that drives her crazy. Her bosses describe her as "an extraordinary young lady" who has had jobs ranging from Ralph Lauren to Wedding Photographer. Alice's motto is "Things worth doing are worth doing well" and this becomes the driving force in any venture she undertakes. She can talk on most topics as her knowledge of the world, politics, and biology are extensive with respect to gender.
A date with her includes a dinner at her favorite curry place that has a BYOB policy and a tour of her favorite dive bars in the east village. And a competitive game of pool to top the night off, you had better hope you lose as she will kick your ass if you don't.
Thats something I would say, but probably won't have enough class for the auction! damnit, maybe I should just stick with the fundraising aspect of this.
