"Alice, you have a strange power over men."
This is what a friend said to me recently.
I admit it, I do have a strange power over men. I get men who are obsessed with me, men who are intimidated, and men who are just plain fucked up.
I got into a conversation with a friend of mine, I don't understand why we can't be friends.
He says to me, "Alice, every time I see you I want to make out with you. And I don't want to get into a relationship with anyone."
This is actually a new one for me. I have never had a guy, want to be with me but not want to be with me. So basically, he doesn't want a girlfriend because he wants to stick his dick in everything in sight. But he doesn't want to be friends with me because he wants me to be his girlfriend. This is actually quite amusing.
I was in alot of turmoil over this whole thing because I thought that this friend didn't like me in general. I was doubting my whole charm and personality because he wouldn't talk to me. And I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want to be friends with me. I am a great person, I charm people everyday. I give them my Alice smile, my sparkling gaze, and they are hooked. We are friends for life.
I have a tendency to give off this vibe, its what I like to call my don't touch me vibe, til I get to know your middle name. Its very intimidating meeting new people and being intimate with new people, I need a good running start. I need to know the person's not one of the three men I tend to meet and is normal and sane.
So this vibe comes in many forms, it makes me seem flighty or a heartbreaker, when in truth I am neither of those. I tend to get my heartbroken more than I break hearts. I wish I could be the femme fatale I always envisioned my mother as growing up. She could make men love her with one smile, friends used to flock to her, using me to to get closer. She had a sparkle about her that would draw you in. I was in love with my mother also when I was growing up. She made you feel like you were the only person in the room that was important. Being in the presence of someone with that demeanor makes the world feel magical.
I think we could all use a little magic sometimes and less of the drama in relationships. This is what I look for the magic. I think that men have a really hard time sensing the magic, they don't understand it and so they fear it. But when you spend five minutes in someone's company and you sense it, it's what makes the relationship special. Its what I seek in a partner, someone who makes me feel the way I did when I was a little girl with my mother.
You're going to prison what? the Fuck****?
There is this story about theEx that he would kill me if I ever told anyone, but its so classic of my naivity that it must be told. I have never been able to verify any of the information and if anyone has access to one of those criminal records sites, I will gladly look him up.
Last November, I had been seeing theEx pretty regularly, a couple of times a week. One day he emails me and tells me he is taking me out, I am like wow a whole eight hours in advance. He says, tell me how much you want me? And once again we play the text message foreplay game. This is his favorite game, he likes to anticipate seeing me and likes dirty talk in general. While I am at work this game goes on all day. I go home and shower and look pretty, I wore a dress and everything.
Finally at 10:00pm he picks me up, he was supposed to have been there at 8pm, but whatever. So we are on Flatbush, headed to whatever destination and he says I have something to tell you. Now I am freaking, thinking he is going to break up with me again, and I hate it when he does that. So I am like ok, what is it.
"I am going away for awhile"
"To where?"
"I am moving away from New York."
"I don't understand, are you going to Boston or London?"
"No."
"You are moving back up to Albany?"
"No. Prison."
"for how long?"
"8 to 10 years."
whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh. What the fuck?
Max the wonder kitten, the newest addition to the Alice household.
Max likes:
-chasing ghosts, he loves jumping at nothing.
-Water with a drop of milk.
-his mommy or thinking I am his mommy. Have you ever had a cat try to milk you, I think not folks.
-His shiny mouse with a feather for a tale.
-6am cuddle time.
-Spooning.
-Jumping on Larry's speakers like he's king of the world that are seriously a foot off the ground. Shhh....lets not shatter his illusion.
-Playing with my ribbons.
-Attacking me.
-Attacking me.
-Baths, they make him smell yummy.
-My high heels. He has an identity crisis.
Max's Dislikes:
-Motorcycles, they scare him.
-Water, he seriously won't drink it.
-Me not having cat nipples, he's the first man to ever complain about my breasts.
-Being alone, I like to leave the tv on for him.
-Ribbons around his neck, he WILL come to like this one damn it.
-Me leaving, at all.
Summer Insanity
It's come to my attention quite recently and maybe it's the summer
blues, but New York really knows how to kick your ass. Whether it is
the people or the weather, both really know how to fuck you over.
Every couple of months, it really gets to me how shallow and shady
people can be. They always want something from you, whether it be
your time or your friends, the parade of bullshit never ends. A
random stranger said to me the other night, "The thing I love about
New York is you can talk to anyone you want and you don't have to
remember anything about them the next day, their name, face, whatever
it be".
And this made me somewhat sad. What's so great about making
superficial connections with random strangers? This isn't something
to be proud about. This city is so huge; it swallows you whole, your
relationships with people are what define you as a person outside of
the grind of work and the hustle and bustle of the city. I have found
that my relationships with people are what make me happy and keep me
sane.
The people of course can change. Each month of my life I seem to have
a go to guy for my entertainment. A new friend I meet that seems out
of the ordinary of the really good friends I pocket away. It's a nice
change from the familiarity of being in a group where everyone knows
your every move and thought. And this becomes my go to person for
when I am feeling sad or confused. Every thought and move from them
is entertaining and cheers my addled brain.
That said, it's unfortunate that even I could be this fickle to
constantly seek out one entertaining person after another. Sometimes
it easier to find new people rather than deal with the confusion of
the deepening of what should be a platonic relationship. It's hard to
get really close to someone and heartbreaking when they let you down
as most people seem to do with me. As my friend T-Rav says, "You
(Alice) think that people are inherently good and then you realize
later on that they are bad. Why are you always surprised each time
when you constantly repeat this? Why does this still disappoint you?"
He has a point. Maybe it's the eternal optimist in me, I don't know.
Lately I have been feeling put upon by people, its no secret that
people like to use me for my friends or social connections. I always
know what's going on in the city. But it makes me sad when I ask for
the return favor I don't get it. I don't get invites from friends
asking me to hang out with their friends; maybe it shows the
absorption of self that people experience.
My own disconnection with the world that happens from time to time has
a way of affecting me to the point where I feel like I don't belong.
It's kind of a throwback to my depression days as I like to call it.
I always say, you will know rock bottom when you hit and when you know
it, it's easier to find it the next time. And anyone who's hit rock
bottom knows what I am talking about, its that point before things get
better, its so slight that you won't know it until a couple of days
after you hit it.
My point is it would be nice to live in a city where everything is not
so fleeting all the time. The constant whir of noise and ADD one
experiences here has a tendency to knock you on your ass from time to
time. And since I am currently on my ass it would be nice to have a
little distraction right now.
