We could all use a little pussy sometimes.
The second meeting of Girl Posse commenced yesterday. Thanks to my lovely personality, we recruited a lot of new girls to hang out with. But the only problem is my boys don't get it. Daho and I have had to be very secretive because our boys can be very persuasive. These girls are beautiful and fun and intelligent. Good Lord, they would be like vultures on their last meal if we let them come too. I am so excited about all my new friends. It was just what the doctor ordered. I was beginning to think that I was going crazy.
We had a 20 minute conversation about our cats, you can't do that with boys. My boys treat me like I am crazy, then we talked about our fucked up exes. We cried out our stories, sighed in relief that our internal craziness could be unleashed. And we fucking drank like alcoholics. It was great. We had an entourage.
What brought me to the conclusion that I needed more female friends, recently its come to my attention that men and women can not be friends. I really believe this. It just gets so complicated. There's almost a pointlessness to male-female relationships. They are so much work, that I have gotten to the point, that if I am going to put in all this effort, I had better be fucking you. So I asked out a friend that I had thought there was some mutual attraction with. He agreed there was but said that we were too far into the friendship to date.
I disagree my friend. You never return my calls, you are elusive and I asked you out because I had a sneaking suspicion thats what you wanted me to do. But c'est la vie. I am not going to put anymore effort into being friends with him. The point of the asking out was either we got a date or we can't be friends. Ha.
Girl Posse, our new cliquish girl's only club.
Click to join girlposse
Amanda and I are at it again, bringing entertainment to the masses, since we are such good little organizers. What can we say, we know where to find a cheap drink and good company. Anyone who wants to join, get on our list, we will be planning once a week get togethers, but anyone else can plan stuff too.
Check out the pics from last Friday's get together!
Girl Posse Photos
http://www.flickr.com/photos/girlposse
Seriously, its like work has blocked blogger so I can really only post on my easyjournal account.
feistyred.easyjournal.com
White collar crimes, blue collar jobs.
I changed my mind, every girl needs a posse.
The other day, I realized what was missing in my life was sane girlfriends. This was after a long happy hour with a male friend I hadn't seen in 3 months. I found myself bitching about how complicated male/female friendships can be and my loss in faith that male and females can ever really be friends. I told him that I have decided to place a moratorium on male friends. Now this is a new law, it is not retroactive. Any male friends made before this law to me are just friends, but from here on out there is a moratorium on male friends. I refuse to put effort into a relationship in which I will not be getting laid. I have enough male friends, why the hell would I need anymore. And I don't want to go through anymore platonic or romantic breakups.
Daho and I decided to put up an ad to meet girls, ok, I put up the ad. It was really that planned out, it was kind of like, man I need some girl time. And frankly I don't really care for most of the girls I know, they are ok as casual aquaintences but as real friends, I am not so sure. Anyways, I got so many replies that I decided to plan a happy hour. The one thing I am fucking fantastic at is organizing, facilitating, and recruiting. I throw great parties, parties full of great people, alcohol, and cheap drinks. Originally I wasn't going to include any existing girl friends because the idea was to meet new girls, ones who were single and we could go out and meet boys and be single together.
But after much thought, I decided to tell Daho, once I got her on board, we just took the idea and ran with it. Now, Daho and I know a couple of girl groups already, but these bitches be crazy. One in particular has this nasty bitch as the organizer, she hates competition and most girls. That and her future husband kissed me right around the time she met him, I remember a declaration of adoration with that kiss also, but she doesn't know about that.
Daho and I are your typical cool girls, we are the girls in the bar that people love to talk to. We make nice with everyone and we are alot of fun, we usually try to bring out the worst in people when we meet them, so that we can see what they are capable of. Then we dazzle them with our wit and cultural knowledge.
My point is, we want this group to be fucking cool, no catty girls, a real open forum/support group for ladies who want to go out, go to movies, bookstores, whatever. Self organized. We even set up a yahoo group should this turn bigger. We don't want hos or skanks either, another problem with the other group, its a real problem when you are the best looking girl in a group or even the most interesting. I like cool down to earth girls who are adventurous and like to have a good time.
We love our boys, but sometimes every girl needs a posse. Hell, I can't be single forever and who will I get to go to chick flicks with me. In college, I lived with 5 women, while we had our ups and downs, I remember going out with them and we would play bar games. We had makeout contests and phone number contests. Its been so long since I just got to be a girl, instead I go out with boys, we have shouting contests. We tell boring stories trying to one up one another. I get to watch them pick up girls and pretty much yell at each other. I want to look pretty and smell nice and not feel like its wasted on chugging contests and cheap happy hours. Don't get me wrong I still love those two things, just sometimes a sista needs a break.
So I will keep you updated on my girl posse, sorry boys, no happy hour for you this week. They will be okay for one night without their crazy redhead, hell they may even meet themselves some women.
Change, one day at a time.
I ran my 5k on Saturday and it was awesome. I had given myself the goal of running for 2 miles then pulling out a flask and drinking. Did I make it 2 miles? Hell no, I made it the whole way, I was a fucking machine. I paced myself at the beginning then around the 1.5 mile mark when all the over achievers started dropping back, I made my move. I started passing them, gaining momentum, having absolutely no idea how well I was doing. I was listening to my sketchy dance cd from college, all the best hip hop from 2003. Jay Z, I am a hustler baby, pulled me through the last .5 of a mile and into the finish line. I just started charging it that last loop and went for it. I wanted to die, but I did it. I can't believe I did it.
It was so amazing to set up that goal and accomplish it. I trained all week and about damn near killed myself. I didn't drink and I quit smoking finally. I want to run more 5ks. I remember the year I turned 21, my body was in its prime, I would go out all night drinking, then get up at noon and jog for 4 miles in the hot sun to the gym and work out there. I weighed 118 at the time and was super thin. I can't do that anymore, now I weigh 124, workout 3 days a week and need at least 8 hours of sleep. I miss the good ol days and I am only 25.
Oh sweet hangover.....
When I go out with my guy posse, I end up spending 60 to 80 dollars a night. You would think I had never heard the words free drink.
When I go out alone in my neighborhood, I spend $9 and stroll into work with a whopping hangover. Oh I love the bartenders in my hood.
I have a Guy Posse, this is why I am single.
Guys I meet always ask me why I don't have a boyfriend, they don't understand it: cool girl, somewhat adorable, intelligent, and attractive, not to mention I am a feisty kitten in the sack. People who read my blog and don't know me might think its because I am bitter, but if you met me you would see that's not true and the real reason. Well here's why: on any given day, I am surrended by 5 to 10 male friends, and usually I am the only female.
Why do I have mostly all male friends? Women are DRAMA, they are nuts, they talk about you behind your back, when you are low, they sympathize with you, thus making you feel lower. They only talk about boys, they get offended easily, they get competitive, and they get crazy.
Men are different. I am a locker room talker, I like to say whatever is on my mind. Since I have such an innocent countenance, men find this cute, charming, and adorable. The crap that can come out of my mouth shocks and embarrasses women. I don't care what people think, I spent most of my early 20s and teens caring what people think, these days I like to get to the heart of things without all the pussy footing and bullshit. Men talk about real things, politics, books, sports. They don't sit around talking about their feelings, conversation with a women can usually make me go from feeling good to worse. If I am pining over some boy, I don't want to hear my girlfriend's man trauma or happy stories, that makes me feel like shit. I want to forget about that, I don't want a sympathizer.
I like fearless people. I refuse to sit around talking about how fat I am, because face it I have a great fucking body, I don't have to diet or even work that hard for it. It just runs in my family, we are soft and hard in all the right places. I love my hair, I never have bad hair days. I don't care if some guy doesn't call me, I don't want to sit around talking about it until I go crazy. I like to be around people who aren't afraid to be or say what they want. My boys don't whine they are always up for everything. I can be overly confident around them, spontaneous, and charming. Its nice to like who you are and being able to show it to your friends.
My boys are great. I am a girl, so of course, I have the female characteristics that I hate. I get hormonal and cry on their shoulders and act crazy from time to time. The great thing about them, something which gives me hope about the dating world, is that they let me. They have seen me break down so many times, yet still I am the group leader. I like to think I am the group leader, something I have relinquished more and more lately. Mostly this means I am the bully of the group. I make the "I am going to kick your ass, do you really want to face my wrath?" phone call when one of them doesn't show up to the group function of the night. Usually I get this back "calm down, I am coming, crazy red!" But its point is well taken.
They love me unconditionally, in ways that previous boyfriends never have and I am beginning to suspect never could. They are the ones who pick up the peices after whatever "loser" (as they call them) I have been dumped by. They are notoriously picky when it comes to guys for me. If they meet a guy I like, they know within 5 minutes whether he's right for me and if it will work out or not. Its the kiss of death when you meet these guys. Its like having 10 older brothers, they don't let me talk to boys or date them without their approval. Mostly because they know I choose badly and they don't want to deal with the blowout.
I have a lot of bitter female friends and what strikes me about the difference between their bitterness and mine is: I don't think all men are bad, I just choose the disposable ones because I don't care if they don't call me. Its the special ones I want to keep forever which is why I make them my friend. I think that I learned at a young age, from having a single mom, men come and go, its the friends that never really leave.
I don't have a self-defeating attitude, unlike other girls, I know why I don't have a boyfriend. It doesn't make it any less frustrating, but its comforting. I am not going to pretend like all guys are assholes or idiots, yes they can be. When you hang out with all guys, its not that easy to meet men, usually they just assume I am with one of them. And then when I do date someone knew, I have to face the inevitable question. Well here is my answer. I don't sleep with my male friends, they are my boys. IT IS EXTREMELY INSULTING WHEN MEN SUGGEST OTHERWISE. You want to face my wrath? Accuse me of this. Frankly I met them when I was involved with someone and was involved for the first year of knowing them. The statue of limitations on this is very clear. Plus, these are my boys. I lost 3 very good prospects this summer, because I made boys I could have dated into my friends. Really good, this is the type of boy I should marry guys. I am putting a moratorium on new male friends, maybe then I can have a nice boyfriend like normal people.
Here's my Guy Posse in the form of their ghetto nicknames. Mine's Lil Al, but mostly they call me Al.
Joe 24K or Gay Pirate Joe: Not gay or a pirate, but Joe is searching for an oasis in Manhattan that has cheap drinks and pretty girls. Living here his whole life, he is convince it exists and will continue searching his whole life. A cofounder of our group, me being the other founder. He's a web developer.
Marc "Talks too much" or theJew: Our resident thespian and lady charmer, he brings a bottle of McCallum 12 or red wine whereever he goes. He's a producer/director of shakespearan theatre.
My Brown Bear: Ali is is the closest to being in a relationship with me, they call me his wife. He's somewhat of a tortured genuis with an unshakable wit, you can't get anything past this. Known for "Why you gotta be like that?" Always quick to call out the most outrageous statements. I tell him everything and his shoulder is usually the one I am crying on.
The Sweetness or Fantastic: Obviously full of himself by the nicknames he has given himself. He is our resident Fashionista, works for a huge company, high up on the corporate ladder. He gets us into the coolest party and 50% off the hottest jean collection at this moment. He hate everyone I date and if you are dating me, he won't talk to you. He's the first to tell me when a guy is no good.
Diddy: Diddy is infamous, he is a legend and we have made him one. Straight laced accountant by day, ass grabbing party animal by night. Known for his fade out, you know the party's over when you can't find Diddy. Almost know one knows his real first name and he hates that.
Special K: In a relationship, the only one. Known for his brownies and his amazing music collection. I want to marry his mother, she's the finest cook and I would be the fattest daughter if she were my mother. We have to leave bars if he hates the music they are playing.
T-Rav: Known for riling people up. You hate him the minute you meet him but end up liking him in the end. He's a grade A asshole with a heart of gold (at least to me). You expect him to be one way but he always surprises you in the end. Very intelligent, knows it and is not afraid for you to know it. His a software engineer and the best looking guy in our group.
DaHo: the other girl in the group. She's got flava and is crazy fun like me, only difference, she has a boyfriend, so she doesn't have to hang out with us assholes all the time. She's kind of the matriarch in a way, we have been best friends for 11 years.
Rod: He's a talented comic book artist and always doing candids at the bar.
Other honorable mentions: These people cycle in and out.
Frank the Tank: He is DaHo's bf and when he's around, the beer chugging begins.
Fearnley: Has a hot girlfriend, so he's dropped out a bit. Crazy fucking brit.
Gaz: another crazy brit, loads of fun.
Suze: Girlfriend of Special K, they met through me at her birthday party, now voted most adorable couple. Has a fondness for sangria and champagne.
Rich: He's a happy go lucky guy that comes and goes, depending on where the party's at.
D: another girl, usually the crazy one that gets the party going, known for throwing Spaghetti parties and Jello Wrestling. she's a talented light designer, always has free tickets to shows.
TEAM HOOKUP: The guys are ridiculous for picking up women.
It usually involves me accosting them in the bathroom to find out their names.
"Fantastic" goes in for the approach and "theJew" is the filler. He keeps the conversation going. We are currently looking for a closer? Anyone want to apply?
There are many more, but these are the ones that are around the most. The core group is almost always there for every occasion. If someone in the core doesn't show up, they get a threatening phone call from me.
What's the point in going out and meeting men when I have these lovely gentlemen to talk to?
We could use a little pain and horror in our lives.
I did a 3 mile jog in the gym last night, in which I am so sore, my body is physically exhausted. All this in the name of charity, and to get out of my antisocial funk. This weekend I read 3 books, very long 700 pages book, I know I lead such an exciting life. So for Saturday I have decided to run a 5k in central park for big brothers big sisters. This is also a good opportunity to network, as this is a young professional thing and I can meet plenty of cute boys and interesting girls.
For the horror, I am reading the Historian, a fascinating book of fantasy, fiction, and history revolving around Vlad the Impaler, other wise known as Drakulya, Order of the Dragons. I like a good nightmare, 200 pages and 2 hours later, I was ready for bed. And what did I dream about, of course Drakulya. Since I was a kid, starting with the birth of my sister on December 22, 1983 in which my mother went in labor during the Exorcist. It was the first scary movie I had ever seen and at the tender age of 3. I was hooked, even more so when my mother named my sister Reagan after the young possessed. Friday nights became date nights for me and my mom, she would take me to the drive in to see Fatal Attraction (Age 8), all the Friday the 13ths, Nightmare of Elm Street, and the one that would totally fuck me up for months, Hell Raiser. Nothing like blood, guts, and maggots to scare any 5 year old into nightmares.
In highschool and college, when I was home alone, especially around Halloween, I loved renting Halloween 1 and 2 and watching them alone. Its such a thrill to know that something unreal can be in some sense unthreatening but scary. Then in college, I discovered the really obscure 80s flicks like Whatchamacallit, the Progeny, and the Jamie Lee Curtis movies like Prom Night, Terror Train, and The Fog (which they remade). I can't believe that they would remake a movie about ghost pirates hiding in fog and killing people, this movie is ridiculously absurd.
I love watching the ones that come out now, even though special effects have made them unbelievable. I saw the boogeyman, the scream thrilogy, and various others such as White Noise, Darkness Falls, Darkness, Valentine, The Grudge, The Ring, and Hide and Seek. My friends make fun of me for liking to watch this crap but for me it adds a certain amount of nostalgia to the dates I once had with my mother. I will never forget the date we had when I was 7 or 8 and she took me to the drive in to see both of the Creepshows. I still remember that like it was yesterday.
On the opposite spectrum, she also taught us to love superhereo films, we had that mix of good vs. evil. I love Spiderman and Superman especially, my boss at RL last year actually let me have the day off to go to see Spiderman 2. With Halloween coming up, I am anticipating all the bad horror flicks that will once again come to the theatres. Its amazing that I have never found anyone who shared my love of horror films.
Things I have learned from Horror Films:
1. No matter how fast you run, they can walk faster than you can run.
2. Beware of the Progeny, for some reason he likes to rape women with his massive penis and this is what kills them. I think this might have been the scariest one I have ever seen, rape is very scary. I will take a stabbing any day.
3. Jamie Lee Curtis's breasts weren't that big, but who can resist Ghost Pirates ARG!
4. Don't touch a woman's breast while she is sleeping or molest her, the thing in the water will get you. (Creepshow 2).
5. The scariest horror movie I have EVER scene and I had nightmares for 2 years, no lie. Bad Insomnia was Arachnaphobia, sometimes whats real is what is really scary.
6. I am closer to my mother than most of anyone else I know because of our Friday night dates and her sex tips/blowjob tips when I was 18, thats for another entry though.
7. Reagan really did live up to her name in the Exorcist, I was convinced she was posessed til the age of 16, you should see the stab wounds I have (no lie) and the broken foot from a tennis racket. Don't worry, she grew up and the devil got tired of her.
8. Last night my friend Jessi was bitten by Drakulya at open mic in my dream and I couldn't find her. And I kept getting lost in brooklyn and I couldn't run fast.
9. This also applies to gory movies, I love gory movies, and I love staying up til dawn reading scary books. Last night I double locked my door. I got a little scared of the book and my roommates girlfriend faking it.
10. I am game for a scary movie anytime. Email me.
Another Belligerent night.
Oh my god, I totally don't remember this, damn $3 martinis. You Ruin my life! At least my hair looks fucking fantastic! What the fuck is Ali trying to do, lick my hair? Back away son!
Mating Season Has begun, bring on the crazies.
Every New Yorker knows that each September, with the end of summer, heralds the New York dating season. Its almost a dare to stay single. There are two times of the year that I meet my prospects, September and March. March, because men always seem to be attracted to a fanactic college basketball fan as myself. March is really my time of year, that's when the romances work more for me. The winter kind of brings a sense of contentment that during the fall I can never achieve. But already with winter looming in the air, my phone has been ringing.
I have a stalker of sorts. Its someone who should never have gotten my number, because he won't stop using it. I get text messages at all hours of the day, sometimes phone calls. Last thursday night, in an effort to rid myself of this nusiance, I told him I had a boyfriend and he should join us for a threesome. This was after the course of me blowing him off, telling him he was a psycho, and him still asking if he could come meet me out. That is when I mentioned the boyfriend and threesome part. I even gave him a time and place to meet, with no intention of being there. But he called my bluff. So after copious amounts of alcohol, a long train ride of stewing in his psycho behaviour, I called him at midnight to unleash my feisty redheaded wrath.
The conversation was me spewing forth insults to the tune of "what the fuck is wrong with you. do you realize how psycho you are being. I don't even know you, I told you I was dating someone. Stop calling and emailing me. you can't come over to my apartment, why would you even ask a girl that. Why can't you see anything wrong with what you are doing? Oh, now I am the psycho? Drop dead." And I hung up, only to receive two lovely texts the next day, "what are you doing tonite? Want to meet?" Some men never get it. This is the second fall in a row I have had a stalker, everyone remembers the infamous "Masterbator" who made me change my cell phone number last february after threats and naughty sayings. I still think this was my crazy neighbor who wanted to sleep with me. The phone calls started when I met him and escalated when we stopped being friends because I refused to bow down to his sexual harrassment and stopped after the number change. Any real friends got the new number, that's the end of that theory.
Once again, I get all the crazies, I don't know what draws them in, its because I am too nice. My friend told me that he thinks that I don't hold out for my full worth. He told me, I pretend to think I am great and then I don't think I am great when I get involved with someone. He said this in a way more metaphorical classier way but I can't remember the exact wording.
The point is the moral dilemna I have been having since April is exactly connected to this theory of his. In february, after a year and a half of adjusting to new york life and the uncertainty of employment, these two being the reasons, I had decided to stay single, I finally started finding my niche. I think that when you are going through a personal growth stage you need to avoid all dating and anything that could potentially fuck up what you are trying to achieve.
List of projects I started in February:
Yoga
Grad School application
my website full of writings
Big Brothers Big Sisters Young Professional Committee
Volunteering at work
T Shirt company
my Brunch club
Doctor's Appts- Physical health was awesome
staying in the neighborhood more often and staying in general
and more I can't remember.
So I had all these things that I was working on at the time, I started having quite a nice little life filled in for myself. I had a lot of shit that I was doing and I was really happy with the state of my life, for the first time I wasn't pining over some guy or drinking myself into an oblivion.
Then I met MrClean and he fit very nicely into the respectable life I had made. I became a positive person with lots going for myself. I actually thought he was too good for me after a certain point, could be the fact that he owned his own apartment, that always intimidates me. Then I started to degenerate, I started smoking for the first time, eating badly, all my projects started going to hell. I couldn't handle the pressure of an increasing relationship with the relationship I was having with myself. My birthday was a month away, I was involved with someone normal that I really liked and terrifed that I would be dumped on my birthday for the third year in a row.
Inevitably the doubt sets in, my own insecurities start feeding on me. I have never been an insecure person until I started dating, the idea of letting someone else into your life who vocalizes their approval and disapproval for you is daunting. And of course I am dating the wrong people, I like to date the tough cases, I like the pursuit and the challenge of a man who is unavailable, because in some respects I am unavailable. I need at least 30 days to know someone before I like them, and about 15 more after that to become sexually comfortable. It takes so much to let someone in your life, the last man I had in my apartment, I almost bitch slapped him because he touched my camera and commented on the personal momentos I like to keep around the apartment. It felt like a rude invasion and all I wanted was for him to leave.
Where am I now, 4 months later, I am still reeling from my insecurities and my inevitable failure of April. My fear of getting hurt has caused me to lose many a good guy and to distrust close friends. And to lose a lot of faith in myself. I find myself scrambling everyday to find what it is that defines me as Alice. I sit outside work after work trying to force myself to go to the gym or a coffee shop. To have some semblance of a life. I am trying hard to still lose that social aspect I had when I first lived here. And now I am wondering how I can really learn to express myself so effortlessly as I once did.
Every day is such a struggle to get out bed and a rush after work to get back in. Despite the everending flow of novels I read, I still find myself searching for something to say in a conversation. Not really trusting the image that I am putting out for people to see. I think this is what they call a quarter life crisis.
Things I have learned:
1. I hate effeminate men, meaning sensitive men that cry and act like women. I like cool confident fellows, being in touch with your feelings doesn't mean you have to be a train wreck. Because face it I should be the only girl in the relationship. Self-Knowledge does not equal sensitivity.
2. Having a masterbator stalker is gross and a little scary. Why would someone get off on just hearing you say hello. The first time I heard "I am coming for you", it took me five minutes of silence to figure out what that meant.
3. Despite my sometimes bad ass behaviour, I actually get attached to people very easily. Once in my zone, always in my zone.
4. I rack my brain every night wandering why life can't be easier, the only thing I can figure out is maybe I should just go to grad and focus on that. I am never going to be really happy until I go back to school and get out of this mindless life.
5. Friends disappointing you is worse than someone you are in a relationship with, it hurts so much more and is harder to bounce back from because you never see it coming.
6. I forgot something this week, when my phone started ringing and I started meeting people again. Dating really is easier if you just do it, when it happens, you are like wow, this is the way its supposed to be normal and chill. Would you like to get a drink, well I am thirst, of course I would.
7. I love Halloween, yay, only a month and a half away, still have to get skates for my rollergirl costume.
8. Fuck did I really commit to do a 5k, I had better start training.
9. Having a kitten named Max is sometimes the only relationship you need, plus he likes to lay in bed and read too, my favorite thing to do.
10. Change comes one day at a time starting with a change in one small area of your routine and the next thing you know, your life is different.
Other blog account.
Blogger is kind of my nemesis right now, I have been having trouble publishing. SO I have been been posting at:
feistyred.easyjournal.com
Dog gets Ass, Alice gets disgusted.
Last January, I had a cosy Saturday night at Bar4, the local hood; laughing and drinking with the girls. I was single at the time another breakoff with theEx or fade out as we had now started doing. The thing about Park Slope is that during the weekend it becomes somewhat of the trendy psuedo-Manhattan hangout for the Bay Ridge and Bensonhurst boys, meaning the most Jewish and Italian boys you will ever meet in this city. They make the Gotti boys look like a sham and Avenue I look in style.
At the couches was a group of Jewish girls and guys, albeit goodlooking ones, upon first inspection, this was was not clear, but through introductions I learned more Hebrew names than I could pronounce.
Cute boy's platonic girlfriend to me: "This is (something inaudible) but that's his hebrew name, you can just call him Ethan.
Note to self: When a boy has more than one name and the other is inaudible, RUN.
CBPG: He's a really great guy, the rest of us are all paired off, but you should totally date him.
Now this is usually a sign or it should be that their is something wrong with Ethan, and by the end of my story you will see that there is something very wrong with Ethan.
Ethan and I had one of those conversations that start in the middle and its like we had known each other for years. He was very witting and charming, I would later find out its because he had run out of pot and was somewhat lucid.
The conversation went something like this:
E: I have a dog named Blue, is this going to be a problem when you're my girlfriend.
A: You're girlfriend? I thought we were on the fast track to becoming engaged.
We start talking about Old School, being a frat girl, I love that movie. Who can't resist a guy who names his dog after that movie.
And so on and so forth. I give Ethan my number and he calls the next day. It should be noted, I don't remember which one, but at the time, Ethan had that kind of manly ruggedness and looked like Jake Gylenhall or something. Cutest guy I had ever talked to. And the phone conversation the next day went well also, we made plans to get a drink in his hood, Avenue X or my hood.
Flash forward to 7pm, I am at Jello wrestling and really looking forward to meeting this guy, so we talk and he say's come to my neighborhood and get a drink. Now in my naivity and the fact that even I am not crazy enough to go to Avenue X to go out, I forget that on a Sunday night and being Avenue X, there are going to be no fucking bars out there.
I get out there and I SWEAR TO GOD, THE EVENTS I AM ABOUT TO REACCOUNT ACTUALLY HAPPENED INCLUDING THE CONVERSATION.
Ethan picks me up in his car, wearing a cowboy hat. Yes, folks, a cowboy hat. The gibberish that started coming out of his mouth was somthing like this.
"Yeehaw, what do you think of my hat. I am an urban cowboy. I love collecting hats and wearing them. I want you to try it on, it looks hot. Cowboy hats add flavor."
Now this was all said in a pot induced haze so imagine the slurring and drawing out of the words.
We stop at 7/11 and he informs me that there are no open bars, so we are going to his place to have drinks. Ding, ding, ding. Get back on the subway, go home. Danger Will Robinson. My alice alarm screams.
He warns me that his dog Blue gets extremely excited at the site of women and hasn't been neutered because E is too afraid to do that to his dog, who is a minature pinscher.
We walk in and sure enough Blue is ecstatic to see me, he starts whining to Ethan. I am like what his he whining for.
Ethan says, "Oh no, Blue, not in front of the pretty girl. Can't you wait til later?" Wait for what? What the fuck?
So Ethan holds out his arm, his dog jumps on and starts humping away. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. Ethan had strategically placed his fingers so he was touching the dog in his, I can't even finish this sentence.
The whole time he's assuring me the dog will be finished soon. Meanwhile I am watching in horror at this puppy love, what the hell was I to do, it was snowing heavily, the train was a good 10 blocks away in a neighborhood I didn't know. I was mortified.
Meanwhile I am glancing around the apartment, or flat, that was a garage remade into an apt. It was the equivalent of a frat boy's dorm room. Complete with Marijuana posters, blacklights, miller light signs, and a bar. It was appalling, no personal photos, no book, no stereo. Just the worthless generic crap that a frat boy might own.
Blue decides he's had enough and Ethan goes, uh oh, I have to change my shirt. Bile rising in my throat. He comes back out, with a new shirt, hands me a beer. And so the most meaningless conversation I have ever had in my life begins.
Me awkwardly, "do you like to read".
E: Nah, I think books are worthless. I helped this buddy move once and he had hundreds of books that he wanted me to carry to his new apt. I told him he should just leave them on the street. Do you wanna smoke?
A: Oh, god yes. (anything to take my mind away from hell). What kind of music do you like?
E: I like Dave Mathews, but I don't have any of his Cd's, I don't even have a stereo, I just listen to what's ever on the radio in my car.
A: (Dear lord, doesn't he have any interests?) Did you go to school?
E: Yeah, but I didn't finish, just wasn't interested. I want to open my own catering business in a couple of years.
A: What kind of movies do you watch?
E: Whatevers on tv, I don't have a dvd player or anything and don't really remember the names of what I watch. I have only seen Old School once.
This guy is as high as a kite, still wearing his hat and the only thing personal in his apt is a bunch of other hats like fedoras. He really took the cake. At this point, it occurred to me, he had never had a girlfriend, probably didn't have very many dates at that. That's why his friends were so anxious to fawn him off on me. I mean the conversation was like ripping out hair, I couldn't get anything interesting out of him. A man who doesn't listen to music, read books, or own movies, this could almost very well be theEx, but at least he was social and charming and had interesting things to say.
I was fucking screwed at this point. Thank god he turned on the tv, I was almost laughing inside b/c I knew this would go down as the worst date ever. The man was a puppy loving pothead with almost no friends and no personality.
At this point, thinking there was nothing left he could do or say to shock me, He says, "do you want to spank me?"
"Excuse me...."
"Yeah, do you want to spank me, you can use my belt, its really hot. I love a good spanking. "
Ding ding ding.....time to go home. Sorry Blue, you get to keep him for yourself.
Things I have learned.
1. I am scared of Jewish boys and I want my mother.
2. What the fuck? I mean seriously what the fuck? Is there something wrong with the men in this city? All the good ones live in the midwest.
3. Stay away from boys who are the only single friend in their group. It means that no one else wants them and to quote Seinfeld, "Jerry, Kramer and I didn't want it to have to come to this, but Ellen is a loser."
4. Thank God, the dog is gay, I would have puked if he had gone for my arm.
5. Dave Matthews is not cool and I wouldn't use that as a bragging tool or to impress people with your music knowledge. A little state where I come from, Indiana, means "I listen to DMB all day long, smoke pot, live with my parents, wear flannel, and baseball hats. Oh, also I am unemployed. But dave rocks man!".
6. This story was really hard to tell, because it is so embarrassing that I could have met someone like this. But he was so charming I had no idea.
7. Cowboy hats are only cool in Texas. Being an urban cowboy is only cool if you are John Travolta.
8. Spanking is not first date material, who did he learn this from, Colin Farrell?
9. Again, telling a girl that you don't read is such a turnoff. Incidentally, all three of the wonderful gentlemen I dated didn't read also. From now guys like this I am going to give them a default time of 3 weeks.
10. I need protection from big bad New York, its taking the dew right off my rose and making me mean and cynical! But what the hell, I still love it.
Dog gets Ass, Alice gets disgusted.
Last January, I had a cosy Saturday night at Bar4, the local hood; laughing and drinking with the girls. I was single at the time another breakoff with theEx or fade out as we had now started doing. The thing about Park Slope is that during the weekend it becomes somewhat of the trendy psuedo-Manhattan hangout for the Bay Ridge and Bensonhurst boys, meaning the most Jewish and Italian boys you will ever meet in this city. They make the Gotti boys look like a sham and Avenue I look in style.
At the couches was a group of Jewish girls and guys, albeit goodlooking ones, upon first inspection, this was was not clear, but through introductions I learned more Hebrew names than I could pronounce.
Cute boy's platonic girlfriend to me: "This is (something inaudible) but that's his hebrew name, you can just call him Ethan.
Note to self: When a boy has more than one name and the other is inaudible, RUN.
CBPG: He's a really great guy, the rest of us are all paired off, but you should totally date him.
Now this is usually a sign or it should be that their is something wrong with Ethan, and by the end of my story you will see that there is something very wrong with Ethan.
Ethan and I had one of those conversations that start in the middle and its like we had known each other for years. He was very witting and charming, I would later find out its because he had run out of pot and was somewhat lucid.
The conversation went something like this:
E: I have a dog named Blue, is this going to be a problem when you're my girlfriend.
A: You're girlfriend? I thought we were on the fast track to becoming engaged.
We start talking about Old School, being a frat girl, I love that movie. Who can't resist a guy who names his dog after that movie.
And so on and so forth. I give Ethan my number and he calls the next day. It should be noted, I don't remember which one, but at the time, Ethan had that kind of manly ruggedness and looked like Jake Gylenhall or something. Cutest guy I had ever talked to. And the phone conversation the next day went well also, we made plans to get a drink in his hood, Avenue X or my hood.
Flash forward to 7pm, I am at Jello wrestling and really looking forward to meeting this guy, so we talk and he say's come to my neighborhood and get a drink. Now in my naivity and the fact that even I am not crazy enough to go to Avenue X to go out, I forget that on a Sunday night and being Avenue X, there are going to be no fucking bars out there.
I get out there and I SWEAR TO GOD, THE EVENTS I AM ABOUT TO REACCOUNT ACTUALLY HAPPENED INCLUDING THE CONVERSATION.
Ethan picks me up in his car, wearing a cowboy hat. Yes, folks, a cowboy hat. The gibberish that started coming out of his mouth was somthing like this.
"Yeehaw, what do you think of my hat. I am an urban cowboy. I love collecting hats and wearing them. I want you to try it on, it looks hot. Cowboy hats add flavor."
Now this was all said in a pot induced haze so imagine the slurring and drawing out of the words.
We stop at 7/11 and he informs me that there are no open bars, so we are going to his place to have drinks. Ding, ding, ding. Get back on the subway, go home. Danger Will Robinson. My alice alarm screams.
He warns me that his dog Blue gets extremely excited at the site of women and hasn't been neutered because E is too afraid to do that to his dog, who is a minature pinscher.
We walk in and sure enough Blue is ecstatic to see me, he starts whining to Ethan. I am like what his he whining for.
Ethan says, "Oh no, Blue, not in front of the pretty girl. Can't you wait til later?" Wait for what? What the fuck?
So Ethan holds out his arm, his dog jumps on and starts humping away. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. Ethan had strategically placed his fingers so he was touching the dog in his, I can't even finish this sentence.
The whole time he's assuring me the dog will be finished soon. Meanwhile I am watching in horror at this puppy love, what the hell was I to do, it was snowing heavily, the train was a good 10 blocks away in a neighborhood I didn't know. I was mortified.
Meanwhile I am glancing around the apartment, or flat, that was a garage remade into an apt. It was the equivalent of a frat boy's dorm room. Complete with Marijuana posters, blacklights, miller light signs, and a bar. It was appalling, no personal photos, no book, no stereo. Just the worthless generic crap that a frat boy might own.
Blue decides he's had enough and Ethan goes, uh oh, I have to change my shirt. Bile rising in my throat. He comes back out, with a new shirt, hands me a beer. And so the most meaningless conversation I have ever had in my life begins.
Me awkwardly, "do you like to read".
E: Nah, I think books are worthless. I helped this buddy move once and he had hundreds of books that he wanted me to carry to his new apt. I told him he should just leave them on the street. Do you wanna smoke?
A: Oh, god yes. (anything to take my mind away from hell). What kind of music do you like?
E: I like Dave Mathews, but I don't have any of his Cd's, I don't even have a stereo, I just listen to what's ever on the radio in my car.
A: (Dear lord, doesn't he have any interests?) Did you go to school?
E: Yeah, but I didn't finish, just wasn't interested. I want to open my own catering business in a couple of years.
A: What kind of movies do you watch?
E: Whatevers on tv, I don't have a dvd player or anything and don't really remember the names of what I watch. I have only seen Old School once.
This guy is as high as a kite, still wearing his hat and the only thing personal in his apt is a bunch of other hats like fedoras. He really took the cake. At this point, it occurred to me, he had never had a girlfriend, probably didn't have very many dates at that. That's why his friends were so anxious to fawn him off on me. I mean the conversation was like ripping out hair, I couldn't get anything interesting out of him. A man who doesn't listen to music, read books, or own movies, this could almost very well be theEx, but at least he was social and charming and had interesting things to say.
I was fucking screwed at this point. Thank god he turned on the tv, I was almost laughing inside b/c I knew this would go down as the worst date ever. The man was a puppy loving pothead with almost no friends and no personality.
At this point, thinking there was nothing left he could do or say to shock me, He says, "do you want to spank me?"
"Excuse me...."
"Yeah, do you want to spank me, you can use my belt, its really hot. I love a good spanking. "
Ding ding ding.....time to go home. Sorry Blue, you get to keep him for yourself.
Things I have learned.
1. I am scared of Jewish boys and I want my mother.
2. What the fuck? I mean seriously what the fuck? Is there something wrong with the men in this city? All the good ones live in the midwest.
3. Stay away from boys who are the only single friend in their group. It means that no one else wants them and to quote Seinfeld, "Jerry, Kramer and I didn't want it to have to come to this, but Ellen is a loser."
4. Thank God, the dog is gay, I would have puked if he had gone for my arm.
5. Dave Matthews is not cool and I wouldn't use that as a bragging tool or to impress people with your music knowledge. A little state where I come from, Indiana, means "I listen to DMB all day long, smoke pot, live with my parents, wear flannel, and baseball hats. Oh, also I am unemployed. But dave rocks man!".
6. This story was really hard to tell, because it is so embarrassing that I could have met someone like this. But he was so charming I had no idea.
7. Cowboy hats are only cool in Texas. Being an urban cowboy is only cool if you are John Travolta.
8. Spanking is not first date material, who did he learn this from, Colin Farrell?
9. Again, telling a girl that you don't read is such a turnoff. Incidentally, all three of the wonderful gentlemen I dated didn't read also. From now guys like this I am going to give them a default time of 3 weeks.
10. I need protection from big bad New York, its taking the dew right off my rose and making me mean and cynical! But what the hell, I still love it.
Bikini Party
I am such a sucker for a good theme party. I was one of three of the only people wearing a bikini.
