Tales of a Delectable Redhead

Emotional Vomit.

I emotionally vomited on myself a lot this weekend. For those who know me, this doesn’t happen too often. I don’t really “girl” out. I blew through a lot of men last year, went out with a couple of guys, liked them a bit, but eventually dumped them for whatever reason my mind came up with. I wasn’t all that into the boys of 2006, for the record, I had a lot of shit going on. 2007 has me in a somewhat different mindset, I am ready to settle down for a bit.

I have always been a “settle up” kind of girl, cruising from party to party, person to person looking for the “right now” thing. I know I denied it for years but we have all figured it out by now, I have been a very fickle person these last 3 and a half years. My best friends change month to month and the boys in my mind change every 3 months. After spending a very sheltered Indiana upbringing, I really needed to experience life, people, and places.

Lately, I have been obsessed with settling down. Ever since I came back from my family road trip in November, I have wanted to find more to do with my life. All the drinking and having a good time just don’t seem so great anymore. My sister is in this great relationship and walks over to my mom’s house daily to discuss life. I am extremely envious of that right now. Whereas, we spend days in our apartment discussing our various hangovers and our almost one night stands. What’s the point in that?

I really need to settle down right now. I need a normal life, I am completely uninterested in bar hopping, the party lifestyle, or meeting a bunch of men. Last week, I decided to settle up again to get out of my current funk. It sucked. I went out a lot and tried to recreate the momentum I once had for the fast life. Instead I found myself feeling sick three days out of seven and wishing I had something better to do than be hung over and depressed.

I am so over it- the whole scene. I realize that the demise of my party girl status is really a plus for all my friends- it means no more drunken behavior, returning phone calls on a regular basis, being a lot more “on”, etc, etc, etc. But there’s a certain sadness that comes with it. For 3 years, I was the “it” girl. I had a huge social circle of people to continually go out with. But in the past 4 months, I have let this lapse, because frankly I am sick of drinking and the party lifestyle.

Lately my biggest fantasy has been leaving New York, buying an suv, and living in a house with a backyard. (Yes, Ed, make fun of me now) I have become obsessed with the lifestyle of married friends and mothers. It’s not like I want to get married and have children, but I at least want the option. I am fucking fantastic with children, I love kids. Like some struggling college students, I spent a two year time period being the nanny extraordinaire for three very precocious and talented kids. I bought a feminist anthology last week written by a bunch of feminist mothers called “Because I said so”.

Face it, I am never going to be motivated on being a powerhouse in my career. I work hard but it doesn’t consume my life the way it does for others. I still have that motivation to be creative and studious in other aspects of my life. I don’t want to be in on the party scene or part of the “it” crowd. Most days, I spend in the slope, chilling with my cat, jogging around, or frequenting establishments in the hood. So exactly why do I need to do this in a city where I spend 3 times the average rent on an apartment that sucks and that I will never own?

I have kind of been shopping around for a therapist because I can’t understand why the fuck I think about this or why I seek approval for the huge life changes I have made. I need to pay someone to tell me I am on the right track. It’s not like I don’t respect my friends’ opinions or their advice, but their approval kind of loses weight when they say it with a shot of whiskey in their hand. A couple of friends have told me they are proud of me because I am “growing up and making adult decisions” (you know who you are). The roomie was probably the person who’s opinion I respected the most, last Wednesday over a glass of champagne, she told me she is proud of me. She’s a little bit more settled than anyone else I know and didn’t “grow up” in New York the way we did. She moved here with a job and a boyfriend and a completely different perspective on life.

I don’t really understand this complete “feminine” gender-themed mindset I have developed lately or why I am also obsessed with going on spring break to Florida in March.

For the boys, you probably think this is stupid and the girls probably think this is completely normal. But for me, it’s not, I don’t think about shit like this.

Labels: emotional vomit

posted by Betty @ 4:42 PM